Recap - Episode 35
Morning at the Mall. The same old fire that has been on since season one is still flickering happily. Someone might want to put that out before Brady comes off age, is all I’m saying (then again she is still a toothless, babbling baby, so that day will probably never come).
Bray is rudely disturbing the Guardian’s beauty sleep – and looking at him, he really needed it – because Amber isn’t there, so he can secretly still be badass. That’s my boy! He shoves Luke into the cage, glaring at him. Then he politely wants to leave so they can catch up on their “conversations” with their common imaginary friend. Who is his dead little brother. This truly is the greatest show on earth!
Luke – you know Luke? – slimy, skinny, lots of blue, that Luke... he starts sucking up to Bray. For some reason. It would make sense if he wanted to save his own neck, but I forgot he’s a MARTYR now (For like five episodes, then he forgets about it again). He then starts messing with Bray’s mind, or trying to, telling him “be ruthless, be cruel, kill me, I want to die, also, I don’t want to be stuck in here with the Guardian, so show mercy and kill at least one of us. I don’t even care which one.” Or maybe he’s coming on to Bray, we’ll never truly know. I just got this gayish vibe from Luke, like from noone else.
Bray nicknames him “Blue Boy” so he’ll stfu, but it doesn’t work. If you’re counting Bg G, this sets up Loverboy’s record on truly awesome nicknames to two, so Lex better watch his back.
Blue Boy has decided to become Yoda, as it appears. Sacrifice-Yoda. He begs Bray to hurt him, and hurt him bad. He’s been a bad boy, you know, and in case Bray’s not totally into this: It would also improve his reputation, how about that, sweetheart? Bray looks at this mildly deranged masochist, because he doesn’t even get when girls hit on him until they jump him, naked, screaming their love confessions at the top of their lungs. Sometimes, not even then. Bray leaves, with meaningful exit music and Luke continues to stare... I’m not gonna imply anything here, but I get it, Luke. I’d stare, too.
Oh, look, Amber’s yelling at everyone! Must be Tuesday. Everyone’s just sort of standing there and I wonder whether they ALL did something to make her go Gaga, including Pride, or whether she just doesn’t care anymore. Yelling it is. Bray runs up, because whatdyaknow, Amber’s standing up a few stairs, so it’s LITERALLY like she’s on a pedestole and he can look up at her in drooling, senseless awe. Idiot.
Amber explains, totally enraged, that someone did something mysterious and enraging against May for, you know, helping kill her own best friend, and poor May! What, is she hurt, bleeding, any broken bones?
Ebony points out that is was tar and feathers, which makes me giggle, then role my eyes at Amber’s rage (again, Dal, dead, remember?)... but there aren’t any working showers in the Mall, or maybe no showers at all until season 4, so I’d be upset too. If someone did that to me after I killed Dal, you know. What? I had motives, did you see his acting?
Ebony points out that if she ever gave a shit about Dal, she’d have done way worse to May, like you know, the person who killed Zoot, she really showed him! Or the one who will at some point kill her oldest sister... wait a moment...
Anyway, noone cares about Ebony’s sisters, and Lex is too out-loud to not confess right there and then, so Pride starts bitchslapping Lex, pulling his hair and all, before Amber pushes both of these sissy-fighters apart and sends everyone to their rooms. No dessert.
Bray then wants her to be the impartial judge of Luke, who, again, is part of the Chosen, who killed her best friend. Also, Patsy, probably. And at this point, maybe Ryan, Cloe and Jack, who knows. Amber is so impartial, because I don’t think she remembers these people. She didn’t seem to care for them when she was with the Ecos, and I think this is the explanation. She is a telenovela-character now, she can have amnesia whenever she damn well pleases, thank you very much!
Amber moans about how she doesn’t want responsibility, she just wants to boss people around, and can’t he see that? No, he can’t, because in his mind she’s wearing a halo, and a long white dress and her blonde, open curls shine in the sun light... I guess he’s caught a little gay from Luke there, or he got too intense with Lex over the seasons and now it’s showing.
Trudy goes to show Salene some moral support and there are jokes whether she’s looking after Brady, or Brady’s looking after her, which isn’t that funny, if you’ve ever seen a baby truly hurt itself. The Mall isn’t even baby-proofed, there are lots of stairs that Sal just FELL DOWN and letting a suicidal person with a past in eating disorders, attempted date-rape and leaving a young mother to die so she can have her baby and her fake-boyfriend... I’m not blaming Salene here, I’m just thinking of Brady. Who’s still a baby, after over two years. All I’m saying is, give her a cat or something, not a baby to start with. Or finally baby-proof the fucking Mall, there’s another baby on the way, if Amber doesn’t get any more mob leaders to try and kill her or something.
On the other hand, her last baby sitters included, but were not limited to, a ten-year old who lost her to a crazy cult on the first day, Goldylocks/Big G, and May, so if you look at the bigger picture, Salene is still an improvement.
Trudy walks to her slooowly, carefully, and takes the baby away from the crazy person, which, thank god!
OMG, it’s Jack! Hi Jack! What happened to your Pumuckl hair?
And... cut to night-time Mall. With two fires burning, now. And of course, as a side effect of the virus, it’s full moon. Or they only have an episode for each full moon, which would make for an even wackier time line.
Tai San doesn’t feel like snuggling with tar and molasses guy. Wonder why.
Ellie goes to see Luke to cry at him for how he’s so egoistic, standing up for his crimes, demanding to be executed, because then she’ll have no boyfriend anymore! (Calm down, Ellie, Jack’s on his way!) And Luke, calmly and reasonably explains to the VERY blonde girl that he used to be a slave-owner, participated in ritual killings, kidnaps, and the occasional very embarassing free style group dance. Also, if he was free, he’d creepily stare at Bray the whole time, and then how would she feel?
The Guardian fakes being insane some more, noone cares.
Ned goes to bother Lex, with being forty and gross and Ned. They share a drink over how both of their ladies (why does Ned even have one?) are grossed out by them and how May deserves more punishment than gross old slave-traders who cut off Pride’s hair and sell him to the Chosen. And then molest Ellie and everyone else, until someone, some beautiful day, breaks their neck, without spilling one drop of blood. Or Big G drank it. Or Moz. You never know, she does have great vampire potential!
In good news, Jack’s on his way back. The bad news are, lots of grey clouds, so it might be raining. Oh, and you can count on the crazy vamp lady showing up with her mob again, which will be your version of a rooster at dawn until she gets to lynch someone. I vote they just give her Ned.
Tally and Andy are giggling about the various ways to poison Blue Boy and Big G, and Lex and Ned are still passed out drunk on the floor, so Pride, who used to be the prisoner of these assholes, suggest they are kicked out, since they are, you know, slave traders. Noone cares, he even has to take crap from Alice for it. She’s going down a dark path, that girl!
Trudy stumbles in, looking for Bramber. They’re busy, Alice explain, Amber is standing on a padestole lecturing Bray on all his actual and possible wrong doings, and he’s staring at her in awe. Tai San nodds, because this is good for the tribe, so she’ll be supportive of Amber and her puppy lab dog. Trudy doesn’t really have an opinion about that, but there’s Donna Corleone-Dracula in front of the Mall, and she’s wearing a catsuit. Again.her people don’t exactly have guns, but some of them carry hair driers, so that’s bad, right?
Moz proves, for the second day in a row, that she can get more than 50 teens to stand up in the morning, chant the same slogan over and over again, and silence them again, even though this time she uses both her arms. (Srsly, if she was a US citizen today, and she joined the tea party, Obama would be DONE. And I’m saying that as someone who thinks those people should be locked away for their own good.)
Bray tries to beat her at her own screaming game, but she has a mob and a weird whip thingie and the most dengerous case of crazy eyes that I have ever seen. In short, she’s awesome, the Mall Rats are doomed. Wonder if someone else will save the day with a lame, inspirational speech.
Anyway, Bray’s POV: Insane people belong in treatment, not a guillotine. Moz cuts him off, saying there’s no law protecting Big G. “Didn’t anybody tell you? It’s a new world, we can do what we like!” So sweet of her, to explain the whole series for us!
Amber, you know Amber, thinks this is a time for her to say something humanistic, and sort of judgemental. Also, shut up Moz, if you let your mob kill the criminal, I’m sure there’ll also be a reason for them to kill you someday, so... yeah. I’m wondering at this point why Amber automatically assumes that Moz will do something that will make those kids hate her with the same passion the hate the fake-insane tyrant in the cage. It’s quite condescending and accusing, even if she proves to be right. She’s met Moz once. Where she was threatened by her, yes, but this is the second time in two days that her opponent proves to lead the masses. Amber shooed them away with cheesy words, and now they’re back for blood. It’s been 24 hours. I’m not sure whether I want Amber to shut up so noone kills the pregnant girl, or whether I want season 1 Amber back, who would at least try and reason with Moz on her own, away from the mob, probably invite her in to see for herself that the Guardian isn’t going anywhere. But maybe I’m delusional here, maybe Amber never was that wise.
In a last, almost good attempt at winning this argument (2 against the mob), Bray tells everyone that the G is sitting in a corner of his cage, drooling into his messy birdcage of hair, without a built-in toilet or anything, while Lex and Ebony come to visit and threaten. Also, he has to listen to Tai San’s nonsense head-in-the-clouds talk, if he ever wants to eat something. Playing insane isn’t what it used to be...
At which Moz – and I love her for this and I totally would do anything to be her friend (so I’d never be her enemy) – takes his words and twists them around 180 degrees without anyone even noticing. “Hear that? The Guardian is nuts. Like I’ve been saying all along. Moving on. Bring us the Looney, so we can put our hair driers on him! And our whips! And throw tomatoes! And pull his hair!” Bray tries to get in there, explaining how the Guardian’s hair can’t possibly get into an even worse state than it is now, and doesn’t she think he’s punished enough? At which point Moz stares at him like: “Shut up and leave hair-questions to me, you pathetic little bitch! Have you SEEN yours? Can your hair get worse?” (Sadly, later this season, we will get an answer to this question.)
The Guardian – did I mention that he doesn’t have a toilet in there? – feet the G with a baby spoon, to which he numbly protests. So would I. Lex strolls in, bitching about Blondie in there basically “committing every crime in the book” and still being a few stages away from getting brest-fed from her. She doesn’t want to talk to her tar-and-molasses-husband, because, you know, principals. Wrong-doers only deserve love and attention when they’re insane. Or pretending to be. And while it makes a lot of sense for Tai San to take care of the “sick” prisoner (ah, who are we kidding, a guy dressed like that IS sick!), it’s a double standard to dismiss Lex for doing something despicable at the same time she’s feeding the man who kidnaps babies, enslaves people and tried to burn her friend alive at some point. But it’s not that she despises Lex for doing things to May (Come on, it’s just May!), I think it’s mostly that she despises herself for being married to a guy who does things like that. To anybody. With the Guardian, she can play the saint-like care giver, with Lex, she feels betrayed when he acts like a dick. Not just because he doesn’t match her standards for good behaviour, but also because she feels tied to him and therefore to his mistakes aswell. Karma.
Outside: Amber considers running, but Bray has seen Moz’s pit bull dog collar, so he goes with simple animal psychology: “Don’t let them see you’re scared.” Obviously, he’s never had much contact with angry dogs. They KNOW, Bray. They just know.
And because this is an awesome episode, this is the moment that Ebony randomly walks out of the Mall, yelling at Moz: “Do you have a problem with me, huh? Do you? Do you?”, at which point they start circling each other, repeating “S’up? S’up?” in turns and staring madly at each other, which would be quite evened out, if Ebony wasn’t talking to Moz’s navel, because she’s so tiny.
And despite knowing everyone’s name for some reason, Moz believes Ebony’s next argument: Luke was the head of everything, not the Guardian. They were lovers at one point, but most of the time after the invasion, the Guardian was so spacey, that he just sat before his Zoot poster and played with little balls of white wool, pretending they were clouds and there were rainbows and little unicorns and imaginary friends of his that noone else could see.
Noone asks how poor Luke is taking the whole situation. (Answer: Staring at Bray’s and Lex’s butts and pretending to have a girlfriend) They just randomly decide that they’re out for his head now, because they don’t care, they’re zombies and vampires, they just want blooooood! So they scream for it, their eyes red and their hair driers set on extra hot.
((Seriously, if Moz HAD come into the Mall with Amber and Bray, to you know, talk, she would just have ended up making herself some toast in the kitchen, burning her hand, only to bring a new mob to the mall the coming day and demand that they give her the damn toast, so she can CRUSH IT! And burn it! With petrol! At which point Ebony would explain to her that it wasn’t the little piece of bread that is dry and useless now, and also was eaten by Cloudy, it was the TOASTER. So Moz would come back for the toaster, at which point Bray would think the solution was to let Amber judge the toaster, since she never burned her fingers in it, and, you know, judging is her thing, her nature. Amber, of course, because she is dumb when faced with sentencing something about something that was eaten and spit out by a tiny white dog, would just tell the toaster to go and live with what he’s done. Also, she’d still like toast tomorrow, so... At which point Moz would completely lose it and yell at her for believing toasters actually ARE alive and she’d like to kill something/someone now, please, at which point we’re back on the Guardian. So, you see, maybe it’s a good thing they didn’t let her into the Mall. Let’s hope it stays that way.
Lex runs after his enraged wife, who explains to him that she didn’t fuck Looney Goldilocks, just nurse him (Though in her defense, it wasn’t for lack of trying.) Lex, ignoring the fact that he tried to bone Ebony for half a season now and threw on a litteral puppet theater for some blonde preggo a few episodes again, states disbelief about that, telling her about all the rumors of tantric sex and joined meditaition hours he’s heard. Tai San is disgusted by that thought, since she just came out of the cage of a guy who didn’t wash himself for a week and also has no toilet in there. And there’s a family of doves living in his hair! They yell at each other some more, Lex actually believing someone could crush on the Guardian, and Tai San being insulted by him questioning her taste like that. Now if she only changed her hair to something less ridiccuolus, I’d totally side with her!
Bray and Amber come in, bitching at Ebony. I don’t know, what their problem is, she just drove away the vampire mob leader by poking her nose into her navel and telling her a story about how toasters are basically... a, screw it. Amber just bitches at Ebony. Does she want to be persecutor or not? Does she? Does she? Ebony shrugs, silently planning to re-invent money, set up a scam election for city leader, discover the Guardian is sane after all, find out Ned has been kidnapping Amber and Trudy and making a blood-pact at midnight with Moz, because you know, she’s a vampire. Longterm plans include, but are not limited to: Banning Amber and Bray from the city, marrying an Austin Power character in a wheel chair and hooking up with a blonde Ken model that she will later lose to both Amber and Trudy. She cheerfully walks off to get started with that, while Bray eyes Amber suspiciously and thinks about whether this Blonde Ken will be anatomically Ken or not, and whether this should make him less upset about things to come. He so hasn’t met Jay, or he wouldn’t even ask that question.
May magically got her clothes and hair dried and cleaned by the time Pride wanders into her room, to look whether she’s ok. It’s not like he really wants to talk to her, or spend some time with her, but he’s still concerned for like five seconds. May is another one of those who do crimes but then only bitch about how other people get away doing worse. Which is a whole other category, because this isn’t the is-May-maybe-not-so-bad-discussions our sweet naive Mall Rat leaders have with Lex, this is May herself. The person who well remembers setting up the deathtrap for Bray that killed Dal. The person who, when Danni was taken away and Bray and Lex might have been dead, annoyed everyone, because clearly, she was the true victim for not getting FOOD for like a day or two. Still, crying girl, concerned Pride, we’re supposed to feel for her. Whatever.
Not feeling for May: Moz, who’s lurking through the grids into the Mall, which, as long as they don’t let her in... Ned comes by, is gross some more, Alice isn’t having it and then Bray tells her to... you guessed it, let Moz in. And she can bring fourteen friends. I’m not seeing a happy ending for the toast or the toaster here.
The trial is basically Ebony accusing Luke of a list of things, him agreeing passionately with a hanging head and very sad, teary eyes and no answers to where Danni, Patsy, Cloe and Ryan are. Like, no answers at ALL. “I don’t know, I didn’t want to know”, Luke sums up his character. Also a good excuse, if you’re ever on trial for being a joined (cult-) leader and taking lots of slaves (Take notes, Jay, you’re gonna need this!): “We had people taking care of that stuff. I was busy, crazy boyfriend with little balls of woll in a room full of candles, remember?”
Ebony doesn’t care. Her goal aren’t answers, she just wants to prove that she can get a bunch of people as angry as Moz can. Which Amber prevents, asking Luke to speak in his own defense. Which he doesn’t. He just rambles something about each of them “trying to find it in your hearts to forgive me”, because he doesn’t get how hate works, or because he thinks he should say “Sorry I killed/enslaved/imprisoned you/yor friends” before he dies, which, gutsy move. Salene and Trudy are in tears, Moz giggles madly, because she can already smell the fresh, sweet blood and Ellie, who still thinks Luke is her straight boyfriend, jumps up to defend him. Basically by saying Luke tried to talk the Guardian out of blowing up the Mall Rats. Is that supposed to calm Moz down or anything?
And while Alice and Ellie discuss how they always fall for gross idiots and gay cult members (Poor Jack, they don’t even remember him at this point, do they?), Amber tells Bray that Luke deserves “sort of” live-long prisonment. Not that he sort of deserves it, he deserves a sort of live-long imprisonment. I’m intrigued. What will it be?
Amber comes back, explaining dramatically that she’s decided Luke is guilty. And while Ellie is crying in the front row and Moz is popping champagne bottles in the background, and Ned is even gross celebrating, Luke just lets his head hang and takes his verdict. Because he knows he deserves it. I’ve never respected him more.
Then Amber does the weirdest thing ever. She holds a nice, very eloquent speech about Luke’s redeeming qualities that has Moz rolling her eyes, because she still thinks Luke is going to die, but that Amber wants herself to feel good about it. Or something. She suggests throwing Luke down a mine shaft, which, hey, she can smile! It’s really weird how cute and girly she looks when making statements like this, almost more frightening. Her expression changes, however, when Amber basically explains that Lukes punishment will be that he now has to feel bad for himself. Like they needed a judge for that! Or a persecution! Or a cage! He already does that! And he’ll do so for almost ten episodes! Then he’ll forget about it!
Naturally, this is the point where Moz flips and storms towards Amber, whip, hair drier and death glare ready to... be stopped by Bray. (Did I mention I ship them? I must have mentioned it somewhere) They glare at each other and have really intense chemistry, while Bray explains her through gritted teeth that this is his Mall, and his girlfriend, and she can release any cult leader she wants to his conscience, get it? Moz just smirks at him in the dirtiest way possible, threatens Amber that she will SO kill her DEAD as soon as she’s done having hatesex with her boyfriend that he may or may not survive, while watching Basic Instinct as inspiration and she’ll be on top, because obviously he’s used to look up to a girl with puppy eyes and also so he can see the bright red Jackson Pollock she has hanging on her bedroom ceiling, so he’ll get an idea of what his back will look like tomorrow. But then she’ll totally be back to kill some people. People who are Chosen, or nice to Chosen, or in her way, or breathe too loud. Britney Spears and Justin Bieber fans. Miley Cyrus. And then she’ll let some of them live, but plant horse heads in their beds and cement someone’s feet and probably steal all their choccolate. Not for eating it, of course, because have you seen her legs? I’m not sure she even knows what choccolate IS. And then she does the most amazing leadership-move ever: She leads all her girls out of the Mall by SNIPPING HER FINGERS at them. Ladies and gentlemen: Moz – she silences angry crowds with one arm guestures and gets people to follow her by snipping her fingers. Mad HBIC skills!
Alice, Ellie and Blue Boy march back towards the cage, which, smart move, Alice... I guess? He’ll be in there with a maniac and no toilet, but then all the toilets in the mall haven’t flushed in years, so I guess I’m reading too much into this? Anyway, Ellie ignores the danger of that mob that was here the same morning, throwing herself at her sort-of-imprisoned-for-live boyfriend who I’m still convinced is gay. Also, free. And totally not punished. Wtf? Amber punishes Bray more for saying one wrong thing on a bad Tuesday! She and Tai San really should found a club about that!
And ... Jack’s back. Hi, Jack, how was your enslavement? Good? Ignore the guy around your girlfriend’s neck, that’s just the Guardian’s boyfriend!